Bitter Cynical Rants from One as Snarky as Waldorf and As Sexy as Statler.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003


first of all, why would you make the first game of a playoff series a day game? Now not only can I not attend in person, I can't watch my Yankees beat the living bejesus out of the twins on TV. For shame, for shame.

and why would you move the OC to Wednesday nights at 9pm? Now I have to choose between that and the West Wing. Although, really, I don't have to choose thanks to the fabulous people that work at Time Warner Cable. Apparently I will be living on the correct side of Flatbush which means digital cable and DVR, thank you Time Warner, now I don't have to choose. The point is though Ms. Director of Programming at Fox you really should pay more attention to this. And while we're at it, do we really need another Joe Millionaire?? Which reminds me, I've never seen an episode of charmed, even though Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan and Holly Marie Combs are all pretty damned hot, but now you people will never get me to watch since you had the original Joe Millionaire Putz, Evan Marriott on your series premiere, is this really supposed to help you guys get viewers???

Can we stop the madness???

Friday, September 26, 2003


"I know you don't smoke no weed, but I'm gonna get you high today. Why? Cuz its Friday, you ain't got no job, you ain't got no money and you aint got shit to do" - Smokey (aks Chris Tucker)

So many things to talk about today. First of all RIP Robert Palmer 54 years young.

On the way into work this morning I had the pleasure of hearing Missy Elliot's new jam "Pass that Dutch" - not to be confused with Musical Youth's "Pass the Dutchie" although I'm sure the former is a nod to the latter. Missy Elliott could quite possibly have some of the most clever rhyme schemes to have ever passed over the airwaves. I say "Hip!Hip! Missy!" Congrats on creating another fabulous song with catchy beats (which I'm sure we all have Timbaland to thank) and funny yet brilliant lyrics. You made my commute that much better - and we're trying for as many cannabis references as possible today so thanks for helping me along with that!

To my Jewish brothers and sisters: Get your sinning done now. I feel as though the night before Rosh Hashannah should be like our own personal mardi gras, bacchanale and madonna video wrapped in one fabulous party on Ibiza. Catholics are supposed to go to confession frequently, get the hail marys and holy waters and are forgiven. Instead of breaking up our confession into smaller installments, we store all of it for one big blowout at the end of the year. We pound our hearts, and while we don't have to say hail mary's i've been told that we only have to ask for forgiveness three times, whether people forgive us or not, in the eye's of the holy one blessed be he we're fogiven. So lets party like its 1999... or 2003... or the eve of all possible destruction. Then tomorrow we repent! Anyone have a house we can use for this? Madonna?? You're a new Jew, its only fair we use your place this year. Think of it as hazing.

Lastly, I have some things to say that are on the serious tip. Read them here

L'Shanah Tovah

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Don't Call Me Bitter

It needs to be said to all of you couples out there. Put the PDA away. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy that you are young and in love or old and in love. I too am young and in love, but there is a time and a place. That time is not 8:30 in the morning and that place is certainly not while you are standing so close to me on the 4 train that I feel like I'm inadvertently turning your couple into a threesome. You don't want me to be a part of that, and really folks I don't want to be a part of that. Save it for a dark alley or a bathroom stall or at least some place where you can grope each other without groping me. I don't feel that's too much to ask. Read a book or the paper or carry 4 gym bags and invade what little space I have in the train like everyone else.

Now onto more important issues. This season's Sorority Life could feasibly be the most boring half an hour of television ever. Seriously what are the fabulous people at 1515 thinking? Where's the melodrama? The cattiness? The backstabbing? I'd even take last season's annoying Nicole/Tim relationship over this crap. Or at least have 'em show a little skin. Be careful MTV, you're supposed to be the channel I turn to for purely trashy reality tv when fox takes a night off. You're not the channel I turn to for a message in my shows. Sergio, I know that for all kinds of reasons you can't use national sororities, but you could have at least found one local that had something more worth watching than this. Seriously, I could have used that half hour to mop the kitchen floor and would have been more entertained. Shame on you MTV, shame on you.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003


Kofi, my man, me compadre,

One more thing for you to think about - whaddya say we move the United Nations to Staten Island? As I was in the car this morning doing my normal commute, I was confronted by a ton of traffic related to the meetings of all the heads of state this week, worsened only by the arrival of our own president George W. Bush. Traffic, as you know, in this city can be a bitch. (excuse my French, but you know how much of a bitch it can be). Now the move to Staten Island would do much more than alleviate the traffic problem. This is why I"ve cc'd Mr. Bloomberg, the fine mayor of this city. Mike, pay attention because this will appeal to your business sense as well as your corporate leanings. A proposed new UN on Staten Island would accomplish the following:
1.Better safety for the people of Manhattan. As you are both aware, the UN causes quite a security risk for those of us who live and/or work in Manhattan. This means not only a heightened sense of fear on the days when UN sessions are running, but it means extra police. Extra police cost extra money. No one chooses to go to Staten Island, therefore the security risks would be lower. Also, most NYPD live in Staten Island. They would want to protect their home, and would probably patrol for free. Kofi, out of this deal, you get greater safety for UN delegates, Mike, you get to save some money.
2.The construction of a new UN Building. While this may cost money, lord knows the US hasn't paid its dues in years anyway, so this could come out of the UN budget instead of the city's, not costing an already hurting city anymore money. And with it comes the creation of JOBS. Mike, this could help you get reelected, bringing down the level of unemployment, people will shout "Kudos!" and you'll bolster spending and faith in the dollar. Kofi, I know this looks like a raw deal, having to foot the bill and all, but get trump involved. Call it the Trump UN and he'd foot the bill. It'd probably come with a really nice casino (what do you mean fresh kills isn't an Iriquois reservation?) and full service spa. Also, think of all the other modern amenities you could have. In addition we could rename the area Kofi Annan Plaza (instead of Dag Hammerskjold Plaza).
3. Plenty of parking. This way diplomats wouldn't have to park in front of hydrants, in tow away zones, or other such inconvenient places. And Mike, since you can't ticket these cars anyway, at least you can get their seven bucks each time they go over the Verrazano.
In other words, the United Nations moving its HQ from the east side of Manhattan to Staten Island is a win/win/win situation. I have a full powerpoint presentation I'd be more than happy to share. We should do lunch.

Best to Mrs. Annan and the Children,


Cc: Michael Bloomberg, Mayor New York City

Monday, September 22, 2003


I write this letter to both you, Mr. Annan (Can I call you Kofi?) and the Greenwich Observatory as I am not sure which of you is in charge of worldwide initiatives, but this is my request. I would like a 3 day weekend, I understand in this day and age we need the productivity of a 5 day work week. Thus I propose a change in the calendar from a seven day, 52 week calendar to an eight day, 46 week year. I understand because of the earth's rotation we would need to keep the year to 365 days, but isn't the rest negotiable? We could call the eighth day kofiday or possibly 'wichday, or kofiwichday. It would be a worldwide day of rest (I propose our new day come in between Friday and Saturday). I understand that biblical lore states that god rested on the seventh day, I will not argue this point, but add, do we know what god did on the eighth day? (our newly added day of the week?). Building an entire universe must be exhausting. God had to need two days to rest and one day to run the errands he neglected during the 6 days of creating the earth before she began her tenure as ruler of all things. Not to mention, and I think both of you would agree, we as humans are flawed, and if god needs a day of rest than certainly we need at least two. (add the day for errand running or football watching and you have the obligatory 3 day weekend). I feel that if we collaborated - combining the heads of states (that's where you would come in Kofi) and the backing of the world's time keeper (Greenwich are you with me?) we could make this happen. Greenwich, although this is a large initiative, we've adjusted seconds off the clock before. What's adding a day? And the creation of a new calendar would bring with it capital. Everyone would have to buy new calendars. Especially if we rolled out the new week at some insanely inconvenient time. I say February 15th.

Call me. We'll talk.

Best Regards,

Andrea Wolinetz

Thursday, September 18, 2003


Ahh Jessica Simpson you are my hero. How does one so dumb become so famous? This week's episode had you baffled by the garage door opener, learning that the word is "platypus"not pantipus, and while dribbling a basketball, hitting yourself in the chin as the ball bounced to high. But alas, there was some sadness for you as well. The record company thought that your single sucked (or rather "too challenging and your fans won't be able to sing along"). And you had to go with Nick and Drew to their Grandmother's wedding in a retirement community in Cincinnati. This is where you got to see a glimpse of you and your husband's future careers, as Ralph (the 90 year old "sound technician") tried to set up the boom box and microphone. Get used to that kind of perfection, the two of you are on your way to Beniffer notoriety... At least, you were able to party with some of Nick's old friends in Ohio, this way we got to see you hung over, eating Wendy's and talking about "dropping some kids in the pool." Sheesh, this preacher's daughter from Texas is not only brilliant, she's extremely classy. Well done Nick, you definitely married up. PS. The label hated Nick's single too.

In other news, watched Jake 2.0 last evening. While Christopher Gorham will forever be known as Harrison from Popular, and the show was a geekier version of Buffy without SMG, it has to be said that it was still fairly entertaining. I'll have to keep my eye on this one. Although, I fear that I have become even less discriminating in my taste. Jake, is on the UPN. I mean c'mon, is there really a quality program on the channel?

I could feasibly also get into the premiers of Sorority Life (looked even less interesting than the last one) and Fraternity Life (well done with the D.O.C. boys, they actually seem like a real fraternity). I'll leave that for another day as I am distracted by the weathermen, who even at this hour refuse to commit to any sort of forecast regarding the next 24 hours. Isabel be damned, I have too much to do.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Three things that need to be said:.

1. I am a huge television without pity fan. Television without pity generally kicks ass. But they have dropped the ball. Newlyweds, the best trainwreck of a reality show to have hit the airwaves yet does not have its own forum or episode guide. This is tragic. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson deserve more than this. I mean C'mon, the woman got confused by "Chicken of the Sea" - not quite sure if it was chicken or tuna. Henceforth. episode recaps will be available here.

2. The WUSA has folded. Once more I am confronted by the total lack of interest in Women's sports in this country. Even with the hype that surrounded the Woman's World Cup - causing Mia Hamm and Brandy Chastain to be household names, nothing. Today I mourn the loss of the Women's Professional Soccer League.

3. Monday Night Football... I understand that some West Coast viewers might be inconvenienced by a 5pm kickoff, but come on, this 9pm east coast thing is out of control. I look like Keith Richards today because the damned giants game went into overtime, keeping me awake until the change of tides. You would think that with the introduction of TiVo that west coasters could just come home and watch the game from the start. And really, how many people in LA, Seattle or Portland give a damn about a giants game anyway? Something needs to be done about this. Immediately.