Bitter Cynical Rants from One as Snarky as Waldorf and As Sexy as Statler.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

And the Oscar Goes To...

so the nominations are out. And now I have a problem. You see, every year I have to see every film nominated for best picture. Its just a thing that I do. When the golden globe nominees came out I already began bemoaning the fact that I was going to have to see Cold Mountain. Besides the fact that I'm not much for foreigners doing southern accents for 3 hours, do we really need another civil war movie? I held off for as long as I could. It looks as though it paid off, I am off the hook as far as seeing Cold Mountain is concerned. This should make me happy, yes? EXCEPT, now I have to see Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (Shouldn't there be a word limitation in movie titles??). I would have rather sat through Cold Mountain 3 times in a row than watch Russell Crowe on a boat. The last time I found Russell Crowe watchable was as Sid 6.7 in Virtuosity. This is just plain horrible.

Also, I'm surprised at how different the Oscar Nominees varied from the Golden Globes. Some thirteen year old kid was nominated for whale rider, instead of Evan Rachel Woodd being nominated for Thirteen. And it seems as though the AMPAS loved In America, which I can't seem to get myself to see.

Speaking of the Golden Globes, I must say that every year there is one category that blows my mind. And that's Best Supporting Actor/Actress for anything aired on television (or as they laud it Best Supporting Actor in a television series, mini series or made for TV movie). Ok really, how is this fair? How can one compare the quality of roles between Angels in America and Will and Grace? Seriously, if we're going to skimp on awards, why not get rid of other ridiculous categories and split that up a little bit? Also, as much as I've been addicted to The Office, (did y'all see the episode with the dildo?), I'm confused as to why it was nominated, its not an American show and isn't the golden globes about all things Hollywood, not foreign? Someone help me out here. Please.

well not as if you care or asked, but here's my picks for OSCAR. When I get them all correct, hold your applause, I prefer a good meal at Jean Georges or Daniel.

Best Picture Lord of the Rings, its got everything for every voter, violence, pretty scenery, homoeroticism, and Liv Tyler.

Best Actor- this is a toughie, I'm gonna go with Bill Murray, even though the odds are probably in Sean Penn's favor. But keep an eye out for Ghandi

Best Actress - Charlize Theron, although if her acceptance speech is anything like it was for the Globes, she'll win for most annoying speech as well.

Supporting Actor - Tim Robbins.
Most Political Speech, coming dangerously close to being banned from further Oscars - Tim Robbins.

Supporting Actress - Renee Zellweger. ugh, I'm not happy about it, but she'll win.

Most Pissed About Not Being Nominated Tie. From the ex hubby and wife team of Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise

Best Decision by the Nominating CommitteeNot nominating Cold Mountain, Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Dear Bruce C. Ratner, President and CEO, Forest City Enterprises:

Brucie, its been a while since we last talked, but I needed to drop you a note. First of all congratulations on buying those scrappy New Jersey Nets. $300 mill for an Eastern Conference team seems like a lot to me, but hey, its always been a personal dream to own a basketball team, so I might've shelled out the bucks if I had it too. Also, you beat a Senator in a bid war, that's got to make you feel good. So, lets talk a minute about your decision to try your damnedest to turn those New Jersey Nets into the Brooklyn Nets. As you well know, I've been a Knicks fan since birth. And I'm sure you can recall the night you came to look at the Atlantic Center and we had dinner together at Mamma Duke's I gave you a tour of my apartment, not even a stone's throw from where you want to build the stadium. So here's my dilemma Bruce, I agree that Brooklyn needs a team, and since it looks like the Dodgers are never coming back, then why not try a different sport. But basketball?? And the Nets??? Jason Kidd doesn't belong in Brooklyn, and two of Brooklyn's own are part of the Knicks. You know how much I love the borough in which I live, don't put me in a position where I'd have to root against my home borough team, that's just not right.
I've got a better idea, what do you think about, keeping the Nets over there across the river at Brendan Byrne, I mean Continental Airlines Arena, trading ownership with Woody Johnson and then moving the Jets to Brooklyn, just think of it as a change in letter... I'm sure that Frank Gehry would be more than happy to design a football stadium. Or use the plans that Woody has for his dumbass idea to move the jets to the westside of Manhattan.
We've known each other for a long time Bruce, just take a minute, think about what I've said. Brooklyn Jets sounds so nice to the ear.


Andrea E. Wolinetz a.ka. Angie Baby

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

damned you reality TV, damned you!!!!

ok. i have a problem. i understand that i am just one of many in america with this problem, but for some reason this doesn't make me feel any better. i am getting dumber and dumber by the hour. why, you ask? reality tv, will be the death of me. monday night (as the knicks won again in the afternoon, i had my primetime tv lined up accordingly) was beginning to end drivel. How I love Simon Cowell!!! And Randy Jackson - you my "dawg"... Then my big fat obnoxious fiance. How horrible, yet, I couldn't turn my eyes away. I had to DVR Average Joe because it was the Gauntlet season finale. While my Real Worlders couldn't pull it out, which made me sad, Mary Ellis and Jonathan, you have pulled me in for another season with Inferno. I need to know what happened with Coral and the rest of the RWs. Do Nathan and Mike forgive when they find out that Coral almost died because she was bitten by a spider, or do they remain sorry with their decision to get rid of Theo??? Someone help me out here. How dare you MTV? Its not nice to leave a girl hanging like that. Also, no more Jonny Moseley? Dave Mirra instead?? When is Tony Hawk going to host one of these things? Glad to see though that Coral, Mike and Veronica have nothing better to do with their time except these things - it wouldn't be a challenge without them.

on a slightly dissimilar topic. I hate Boston sports teams. Most of you know this about me already. I actually didn't always hate Boston sports teams, and I even kind of liked the Bruins. Cam Neely, Phil Esposito - storied franchises generally make me happy. But what a dirty disgusting display the B's put on against my beloved Rangers the other night. Now Kasparitus is out at least 12 weeks. Damned bastards.

Monday, January 19, 2004

same sex. different city????

OK. so I saw the tag line for the new showtime lesbian drama and I thought I understood what it was referring to. Its like a play on sex and the city, but because they're lesbians, i thought to myself, hence "same sex." very cute. except I was wrong. By same sex, all they meant that it was another show about heterosexual sex. How stupid of me to think that a show supposedly about lesbians wouldn't have 4 , count 'em 4, graphic hetero sex scenes, and only 1 1/2 sex scenes with women. I must be stupid, stupid, stupid.

Also, I must have been delirious when i presumed that a show written and directed by lesbians wouldn't portray themselves through the lens of every negative stereotype out there. I need to lay off the bottle, apparently its affecting my ability to properly think things through. shame on me for expecting more than this from a "breakthrough show." I do have to give the show credit for one thing - at least these straight-girl stalking, lesbian bed death having, needing straight men to bolster their sex life boogying weren't out of shape, wearing flannel or sporting mullets. kudos, i guess. i'll stick to melanie and lindsay on queer as folk.

In other news, tonight's one exciting night if you, like me, are a reality show junkie. The new season of American Idol (now, why I generally don't watch the whole season, the first few "audition" episodes are always quite priceless), my big fat obnoxious fiance, Average Joe, AND the Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet finale. Thank god for the DVR, so i don't have to miss one minute of this mindless drivel. dont even think about calling me after 8 this evening, unless of course its during commercials and to talk about Coral's total breakdown.

til tomorrow kiddies.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Dear Isiah,

So. I need to apologoze. I'm a strong person and can admit when I am wrong. When Jim Dolan got rid of Scott Layden, I felt thrilled for about 30 seconds, until I heard you were his replacement. I bemoaned the new situation, fearing that you were possibly the only person who would have been worse for the position than Layden. Look at your track record, you really can't blame me for my fears. And then the moves started coming - Goodbye Charlie Ward, Hello Starbury! But I was still tentative. I still worried, I wasn't thrilled with the trade even though I knew we now had some Western Conference type talent on our team. The talent was now there, but where was the heart? The Knicks of my youth were fighters, they had the heart, even though they might have been short on talent (John Starks anyone?). But I digress. Isiah, sometimes, I question your fashion sense, I feared that you would hire yourself as head coach, I generally continued to worry about the state of my Knicks. But then the buzz, Fratello is on his way. I grumbled only to find out that the rumors were false. No Czar for these New York Knicks, we have our self the Winningest Coach in NBA history (and yes, I know he's also the losingest coach in NBA history, but the mans been a coach for what, 30 years???). Regardless, you have done it. You have given the Knicks a coach who knows how to motivate these overpaid whiners. Well done, I commend you! I know you watched the game last night too! Did you see the spark, the hunger, the drive of a team no longer under the reigns of Cheney??? It was like watching a different team, one that could win some games and might even make the playoffs.

So thanks, Isiah. I just have one more request. I have gotten so used to a team that can't play a full four quarters and that falls short of greatness, that I need you to show me what its like to root for a winning team again. Help a sister out.

Thanks! And my apologies again,

Andrea Wolinetz

ps. To All my VTB readers, I apologize for my absence. Blame the entitled Medical Students for keeping me under mounds and mounds of papers, preventing me from writing in my blog and reading yours. Im back.

Friday, January 09, 2004


I sat down yesterday after another long hard day at the suckiest job on earth. Ready to watch Starbury and Penny make a difference. While weary of the trade, I was getting caught up in the excitement sweeping through this fine city that Isiah made the right move. Stephon's home! He'll bring sparks, he's got fire. Just look at all the tatoos on his arm, he was made to be a scrappy Knick. AND I get to name drop. He went to his Senior Prom at Lincoln with someone I used to know. And so what that Penny hasn't done much lately, maybe he just needed a new city. OK New Look Knicks show me what ya got. And then there was the game. It was painstaking, It was depressing. It was the worst loss of the season and it was just downright embarrassing. And Don Cheney is still coaching???? Seriously? Although, trade rumors are abound that we may actually get Rasheed Wallace. One can only dream. One can only hope. I want to hear the not so distant rumblings of playoffs, but in order to do that, we need Don Cheney to do something he has never done before - bring the knicks to over .500. Or we could just get rid of his ass. I can dream can't I?

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

what a sad world we live in

today in a nutshell:

12:15pm - "Hey Andrea would you like to order lunch with us?"
"Sure. Order me the L13. Here's my money. I'll be back in a little while"
1:15pm - "Hey guys, where's my lunch?"
"We put it on your desk."
"Thats funny because there's nothing there now."

What kind of sick fuck steals a lunch off of someone else's desk? Please, could someone explain this to me? It is now 4pm, I'm down 7 bucks and my lunch never reappeared. No moron has popped out of anywhere to tell me I'm on candid camera. This is a sad world people, a sad sad world.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

"You were going to be a gymnast." "Journalist." "Right. Journalist. That's what I said."

The holiday that just passed us by was New Year's correct? Not April Fool's? I ask only because have you all seen this???this.

Dylan McKay and the Band Camp Girl? Who are they gonna get to play Carrie Fisher and Bruno Kirby's roles, wait lemme guess - Ashton Kutcher and Gabrielle Carteris? We're talking about one of my favorite movies of all time here. One that I think would be merely impossible to adapt for the stage? New York City is just an important character as Harry and Sally. Katz's deli? Harry running down the street to get to Sally before midnight. Leave it to the damned British to even attempt this. I can't shake my head in sheer disapproval enough.

blasphemy I tell you. Blasphemy. Don't fuck with Mr. Zero. And really, don't fuck with a classic chick flick. It's just not right.