Bitter Cynical Rants from One as Snarky as Waldorf and As Sexy as Statler.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

happy to be here:

yes, I'm back and I know you all missed me terribly. But I have so much to show for the 4 days that I was away from here. Since Thursday I:

1. Saw THIS! I highly recommend you all run, not walk, to get your tickets and go! It was absolutely glorious.
2. Saw HER and HIM, after having a yummy dinner and had my brand new IPod bestowed upon me (I have finally entered the 21st century and I couldn't be happier to be here!)
3. Went HERE. Had one of THESE and then won lots of green!
4. Watched my ladies win at home and my bracket remain intact.
5. Cried once again after watching THIS. Seriously, the best show on television.

And now its back to the daily grind. But thankfully only for four days.

could someone please explain to me:

How someone google searched "16 year old girls lapdances" and made their way to my blog?

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Paris can be brutal in the Springtime:

I came home last night, pleasantly surprised that a new OC was on, and then equally horrified that it had guest appearances by Paris Hilton and Colin Hanks (I was never much of a Tom Hanks fan past say Joe Vs. The Volcano - which I consider to be his last masterpiece - and his son could be frankly as annoying) Paris, at least made fun of herself, but I wondered aloud (sad as I was alone) as to how much time it took for her to learn how to pronounce Thomas Pynchon's name. I ask only one thing of the OC producers - GET RID OF MISCHA BARTON - she's terrible and painful and I thank the lord for the invention of the Digital Video Recorders so I can fast forward whenever she's on the show.

Also, the knicks took it up the ass last night from Hubie Brown's Grizz, A-Rod got hit in the face by a baseball that bounced of a BoSox player's shoe, and with today's announcement we have two boroughs protesting stadiums. Bring the teams back to NY I say, traffic and housing displacement be damned. (Who drives up 11th ave anyway?)

This post seem all over the place?? well it should, all the food we've been eating has put us in a mostly catatonic state, thankfully the glorious ms. mo and the mo family have provided us with a weekend jaunt complete with 90 minute spa treatment... so kids, as of 2pm est, VTB will be reassessing our views on whether or not to bet on black, stay on 17 against a 5, and whether to parlay our winnings into one big bet on the upcoming Tourney games. Have a safe and healthy 4 days and I'll be back on tuesday.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

who says you can't be a slacker and still accomplish things??

i would like to point out and congratulate both them YPR boys (especially my loving Hermano the Good Senor) on their good press in the Village Voice, and Amy for her kickass documentary on those crazy kooks who collect Fiestaware. OK so I haven't actually seen the documentary, but its winning prizes and good press as well! KUDOS to both of you (you'll be receiving a box of those yummy granola snacks with the M and M's shortly)

does anyone know where I can purchase an extra stomach

those who know me know that i like to eat and like to eat well... and that's exactly what i've been doing for the past few days and will continue to do through next week. Gluttony is just one of the seven sins we're making our way through during the festival - In the past 2 days alone i've eaten here, here and here. Also I will be eating here and here.
I may need to start looking into some places to find hip maternity clothes.

I would also like to thank all of you for your well wishes on my birthday. I plan on carrying them in my pocket as good luck for my travels to AC this weekend.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

TO: Harvey and Bob Weinstein, crazy mofos and heads of Miramax
CC: Kevin Smith

Dear Harvey and Bob,

So I have now seen the trailer for the upcoming Kevin Smith film Jersey Girl (Snootchie Bootchies!). I must say, kudos, I was so confused by the lack of one Ms. Jennifer Lopez, that I had actually thought that the movie was recast and reshot without her. I know the whole Miramax family was concerned about the Bennifer backlash, so when I watched the 30 second snippet, I was convinced you had her axed from the project. Alas, it was just some good marketing done by your crack team of PR people, and I say kudos to that.

I just have one request, if you really want people to go see this movie, you may also want to consider removing Ben Affleck from the trailer as well. Does anyone really believe that this guy is a) a good actor and b) a bankable leading man? The true problem with Bennifer, was both BEN and JEN, not just Jen's overexposure. I'll take Karen Sisco over Chuckie Sullivan anyday.

Sincerely yours,

The Voices from the Balcony PR Team.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Countdown to the Demographic Shift:

I feel that since today is the Birthday Eve I should pontificate about my life - where I've been, where I'm going, what this next year should hold in store for me, and what mistakes I promise to never make again. After all it is a birthday, one of three times a year that we can reform ourselves, wash the slate clean and start anew (also, I can do this on Rosh Hashanah/Yom Kippur and New Year's). Its just a damned shame I'm not Catholic, because then I could just go to confession and do this everyday, but I digress. I can focus, I can reflect, I can get personal and really pour my hopes and fears out to you people. But come on that's just not my style. Instead I'd like to point out that this afternoon I may be storming 1515 Broadway as today is the last day I am eligible to sit in the audience for TRL. One must be between the ages of 18-24 to get a seat inside the studios. Of course, there's a lawsuit pending about this (isn't there always a lawsuit pending about something?). I can no longer be a contestant on the Real World, Presidential Candidates will stop courting my vote the second the clock strikes midnight. In other words, I am no longer part of the coveted young adult demographic - vh1 and 60 minutes, here I come.
[the good news, i guess, is that as long as I "look" as though im between the ages of 18 and 24 I can still be an MTV VJ]

Also, I would like to personally thank the Kentucky Wildcats and the Stanford Cardinals for losing this weekend, you have officially busted my brackets, after I snubbed Jim Boeheim's boys I guess I deserve it.

Friday, March 19, 2004

Welcome to VTBtm

From now on throw on a little tm and don't forget to pay me some royalties, following in the Donald's Footsteps, I will be trademarking, "Hello," "Thank you," and "Fuck off you mother fucking fuckwit". All proceeds from the trademarks will go to fund the process of opening my first bar, which by the way I've patented.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

one week and counting:

Dear Faithful Readers and Newcomers,

Whereas, today, March 16th marks the official beginning of the final week of the culmination of the Festival of Andrea,
Whereas, I was out way past my bedtime with the boy who left me for San Francisco and now does yoga instead of chain smoking,
Whereas, the venti sugarfree skim vanilla latte sitting on desk is still half full
Whereas, the fabulous Ms. Mo did my taxes this weekend and it looks like I'm getting a refund big enough to cover my first month and security deposit for our upcoming move,
Whereas, my brackets are done and ready for winning me some serious cash in 3 different pools
Whereas, my favorite chief resident gave birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday
Whereas, Vin Baker just may make a difference for my knickerbockers and keep them from teetering out of the playoffs
Whereas, we get to watch Shandi cheat on her boyfriend with some Italian Stallion on America's Top Model tonight
Whereas, the Spinster has been able to express eloquently both my disdain with the L Word and my inability to stop watching it,
Whereas, Ari has flipped over a new leaf and was thoughtful enough to have her birthday during the festival,
Whereas, Amy has actually found a way to make me feel like taking a road trip to Pittsburgh
Whereas, Whitney Houston has finally gotten herself some help, and the good senor has enough wit and candor to fill a small swimming pool,
Whereas my colleague has gotten herself accepted to Gallatin and promises to introduce me to the twins in the fall,

I resolve to party my ass off, wear at least one lampshade as a chapeau, wake up in my bed and not remember how I got there, grin like crazy even through 4 inches of snow, drink at least 1 colt 45 (pouring a little out of course), figure out some way to do a little karaoke version of living on a prayer, bust out the running man, the sprinkler - and even possibly the Roger Rabbit - at the little shindiggy on Saturday night, eat some carbohydrates for a goddamned change, drunk dial ms. mo at 2am, take a road trip, play my music way too loud at my desk, and generally celebrate all the fabulous things around me that have made the first 25 years of my life kick some major ass over the course of the next week.

We here at VTB declare this next 7 days a Bachhanale, filled with joy and jose cuervo. Anyone who would like to accompany us in any or all parts is of course more than welcome. Nudity is encouraged, but not required.


Voices from The Balcony

Friday, March 12, 2004

we're up the butt of a dead dog with fleas

Troy may be the most annoying of the remaining apprentices, but that comment last night was one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. Clearly they know how to sling some slang out in Iowa or what ever bumfuck Midwest state the "Rickshaw Cowboy" is from. Overall though, does anyone find that this show is slowly losing steam? Now that "Crazy Eyes" Omarosa and f-bomb dropping Heidi are both sayonara, who's really left that's worth talking about over my morning coffee, this show is headed straight for dullsville, so much so that next week we get a recap show with all the nutjobs the Donald has already given the pink slip to.

Does anyone else find the dragging out of these reality shows by excessive recap episodes totally annoying. Once again I praise the lord for the creation of TiVo and the bastard cousin DVR, so I can watch only the two minutes of next Thursday's episode that will be worth my time.

Come on, I'm in a Bill Murray
For those of you that weren't aware, one of my major goals in life is to master the art of cockney rhyming slang. (Go Ahead, laugh, but at least I have goals.) Some of the easy one's I've gotten down, such as "After work lets go for a few Britney's" (Britney Spears = Beers) or "I've stubbed my toe and now I'm in a bit of Shania (Shania Twain = Pain)", and my personal favorite, "I've had to many Britney's and now I'm gonna Wallace (Wallace and Gromit =Vomit); sadly though as a whole I can't seem to master it enough to completely incorporate it in my daily speech. I've thought about spending a long hiatus in London to solve the problem, even tried to figure out some way to get grant money to sponsor the whole thing. Nothing has Captain Kirked.

But now, my problems have been solved thanks to the fabulous people who have put together this, all I have to say is:

Sandshoe, You Rob Roys are totally Mae West!!


Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Diddy Done Us A Favor

Never really skilled with the rhymes, it seems that Sean "Puffy/P. Diddy" Combs will be putting the mic down permanently after the release of his next album PD5. [thanks NME, for breaking this ever pressing news] His retirement claims come on the verge of his debut as a thespian on Broadway in the new production of A Raisin in the Sun, which yours truly will be seeing on Saturday April 17th, thanks to Ma Kelly who has extended the celebration of my birth through Mid April.

With Celine Dion and Puffy both officially "retired" I expect only 10 new albums to come out between the two of them in the next five years. If we're really lucky they might even tour together. Until then I'll just watch Da Band on MTV - just thinking about it makes me want to leave my desk right now and walk to Junior's via the Brooklyn Bridge...

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Crumpets with your T?

I don't know what you all are doing the weekend of July 10th, but I'm envisioning myself in Balado, Kinross, possibly even in a kilt. Don't know what I'm talking about? T in the Park, is just another example of how we here in America know nothing of how to do a festival right (see Lollapalooza for the past 10 years, the ridiculous attempts at recreating Woodstock that have ended with mud people and violence, the list goes on) and how them crazies over in the UK know what they're talking about. As of this morning, the line-up, which is nowhere near complete, is as follows: David Bowie, The Chemical Brothers, The Pixies, The Darkness, The Strokes, Muse, Kings of Leon, NERD, Franz Ferdinand, Dogs Die in Hot Cars and Snow Patrol.

Are you kidding me, Frank Black and Bowie in the same place and the same time??? I beg of you to try and come up with a better combo, go on, I dare you. Anyone have a cousin or a friend in Glasgow I can stay with?

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Anyone have reservations for Hotel Onyx?

The Festival of Andrea is in high swing and as I recently pointed out, one of the major aspects of celebrating involves watching Ms. Spears HBO special (just the encore performance of "Baby One More Time" which is in slow motion and has Brit writhing and soaking wet in just a sparkled bra and jeans is enough, you can even leave it muted if you so desire). But after reading this review [thanks for the link Grambo], I would like to throw out there, that while her show at Continental isn't until April 10th, bringing me would alleviate your responsibility to watch the HBO special multiple times between now and the 23rd, in fact, you would be appointed High Priest/Priestess of the Festival bringing you and your loved ones a year of good fortune and happiness, oh and beer.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

And you really expect us to believe that you're not gay?

Mike Piazza, you've just started spring training as a first baseman. Where you are you going to celebrate?

I'm going to New Paltz, with my new, erm, trainer, for, erm, vacation

From today's New York Times:

As Piazza walks from one field to another at the Mets' complex, a lanky, scruffy man follows closely behind, carrying a bag of apples, a bag of seeds, a gallon of water and a jug of his trademark juice. He pours it into small bottles for Piazza, quickly reminds him to stretch some more, then fades into the background...

Bourell, 31, has no specific title and no permanent residence, but he is living with Piazza at his house during spring training. He is working as his yoga instructor, nutritionist, herbalist, masseur, healer and guru. Piazza, truly a superstar for the new age, calls Bourell "my yogi."

...The first time Bourell met Piazza — in Los Angeles, not surprisingly — Bourell noticed something was wrong with Piazza's posture. He determined that Piazza's right calf became contorted when he dropped into his catcher's crouch and that the arches of his feet collapsed inward. Bourell said the groin muscle injury resulted from a strain in the tendons on the right side of Piazza's body and could have been prevented with more stretching.

Deny it all you want Mikey, but you're flaming with a capital queen. Its time you sang a little Barbra, or some Judy from the mountaintops. I promise you'll breathe better.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

small little piece of advice

in celebration of another day of fabulously unseasonable weather, I took a little jaunt over to my nearest starbucks today for my first frappuccino of the season. Low and behold they had a new flavor - toffee nut. Noticing that this new flavor is seasonable (and lord knows I'm a fan of the seasonable starbucks drinks, gingerbread lattes -mmmm), I decided to give it a shot before my chance expired. What a major disappointment, the thing was so sweet it was like a blended heath bar, save yourself, don't get one, unless the idea of a blended heath bar appeals to you.

I do have to admit that I love the new little signs they have with my barista's name, photo and his/her favorite starbucks beverage. It gives me joy to know that Jacqueline recommends a Venti half-caf, sugarfree vanilla skim peppermint mocha with whipped cream and that it tastes like a warm peppermint patty. In fact one day, I may even decide to order this some day. It couldn't be any worse than the toffee nut frappuccino.

Monday, March 01, 2004

Lord of the Wins

Lord of the Rings may have scooped up a gazillion awards last night, but if you ask me (and I know you did) last night's winner was by far and away Jennifer Garner. Gorgeous, Gorgeous, Gorgeous. I do have to say though Will and Jada came in a close second, I mean really, how adorable are they? On the flip side, What the hell was Liv Tyler thinking? Not only was the flapper/sexy librarian thing NOT working for her at all, but can someone pay her NOT to speak in public again? please? I beg you. While we're banning Liv from presenting another award, can we get a coach for the unbelievably talented yet socially awkward Sofia Coppola?

Enough Oscar. Today my friends is March 1st. March is a month of opportunity, the vernal equinox, and most importantly my birth. While my Christian brothers and sisters spend these days usually denying themselves some joy in Lenten devotion, I begin today the festival of Andrea. Please feel free to join in. It doesn't require much, just a general joyous air about you, acknowledgements of how fabulous life can be, cadbury's creme eggs (the original, none of this caramel or chocolate creme garbage, only the white liquid crack center will do), a little road trip (but only the kind where you wake up, hop in the car with good music and good friends and no idea of a destination) and of course the "Three B's" - Basketball, Beer, and Britney (are you all geared up for her new showtime special?). While the Festival of Andrea has been known in years to rival the Bacchinale of yore, I do not demand lechery or debauchery. Be forewarned, it tends to occur whether you're prepared or not.

In light of the award season ending so quickly, I would like to make a brief speech of thanks to all of those who made the Festival of Andrea possible. First, my parents, thanks for the genes, the jeans, bankrolling the production for close to 23 years and the liver of steel making all of the drinking possible. To the Good Senor, tomorrow we can drive around this town and let the cops chase us around. The friends who know how to throw them back without throwing them up, you know who you are, the festival would be nothing without you. And the incomparable Ms. Irish McPants, you have made my life a romantic comedy instead of a bleak East German film noir, I love you.

If I left you off the list, it doesn't mean I forgot you, it means that you haven't made enough of an impact in my life yet. See above for ways to properly celebrate the festival and you may make the list next year, its up to you really. If bribes are something you may be considering, e-mail me, and I'd be happy to give you an address to send presents, money, and sacrificial virgins to.