HAPPY HALLOWEEN Y'ALL

So its All Hallow's Eve. I came to work in a costume. Today, I'm CASUAL FRIDAY. So Simple. So comfortable. So unseasonably warm outside, no? Which is good, because what always bothered me about Halloween was how damned cold it always was. It didn't matter how good your costume was because it was hidden under some puffy jacket, scarf and mittens your parents made you wear.

I walked into the D'agostinos near my office this morning to make a quick purchase and they had a sign in their window that said, "Sorry for the inconvenience, but this week only we will not sell eggs and shaving cream to minors. We respect our community." Someone's doing some thinking I guess. But what's Halloween without a little egg throwing? Wouldn't we prefer kids to throw eggs and cover a car in shaving cream (and get into trouble the old fashioned way) instead of beating the shit out of some kid or shooting each other or making homemade bombs to blow up their schools. I hate to rant, but seriously people. Were talking about tweens and teens, its when you're supposed to do stupid things and get in trouble. We stifle the innocent pranks(and yes I admit, it sucks to clean the egg off your car, and wipe off the shaving cream) and then wonder why kids find other ways to act out. Sheesh people, relax and let kids be kids. So what if I'm advocating a little vandalism, I'd prefer vandalism to violence any day. Just a thought.

You Have to Be Kidding me MTV

So last night, I had the privilege of watching Rich Girls on MTV. It was totally appalling. The show follows around two teenage socialites. Younger than those damned pesky Hilton sisters, last nights episode focused on the girls prom and their preparations. It was a half an hour of watching two 17 year old girls spend more money than I will ever make in a life time. The most profound moment of the show? While Shopping for her dress Ali says, "I'd get Ralph Lauren, but I'm not sure Pops would approve ." (Pops being "the man who invented Cargo Pants" - Tommy Hilfiger). There was very little plot and a whole lot of name dropping. It was terribly hard to believe that people actually live like this. And just a tad bit frightening. I think the reality thing has sunk to new levels. I mean seriously, the whole 30 minutes was devoted to a shopping spree. OK minus some whining about whether or not to lose one's virginity on prom night or not. It was horrible. Shame on you MTV. And, yes, I'll be watching again next Tuesday night. Damned you people.

In other gluttonous TV watching last night, ahhh the Gilmore Girls. OK, I love this show, but I'm starting to get really confused. As Pamie says, this show exists in some bizarre world where the normal space/time continuum doesn't exist. I have no idea how far Stars Hollow is supposed to be from Yale, but there is no sense of day or time accuracy. Also, Rory my love, make some friends and relax, you're getting a little creepy.

Speaking of a little creepy. Can we talk about crazy toy tycoons?

Weeklong 40th birthday for your wife on Sardinia- $2million of your company's money
Entering your yacht in a race in Southampton, England - $111,000 of your company's money
Hiring Jimmy Buffett for private performance - $250,000 of your company's money (and well worth it, I might add)
An Ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David that urinated Vodka - priceless.

Now, I understand that the party was paid for with Tyco's money, but are we putting this guy on trial for stealing or for the kind of party he threw??? I'm not sure if showing the videotape (cut or uncut) is the point, but maybe I just find the whole thing damned amusing. Opulent, yes. Worse than had he stolen the $2M for a "classy" canapes and caviar cocktail party, not so sure. Tell me what you think.

MY APOLOGIES:

I wanted to post yesterday, but strangely there was work to be done 'round these parts.

Thanks to FX network, I have now caught up on every OC episode that I had missed during my cable absence and commuting nightmares. Just in time for new episodes tomorrow night, I have a couple of things I would like to point out:

1. I love Dave Rigowski/Adam Brody/Seth Cohen - this guy should NEVER be out of work again. I'm even contemplating seeing this just for him. And since the Gilmore Girls producers/writers feel the need to only give me fleeting Lane moments, its nice to see Adam/Dave/Seth once a week.

2. Peter Gallagher's eyebrows. How come they don't have their own credits? Seriously, they take up more screen time and space than anything else

3. Does anyone else keep looking for Elisabeth Shue to make an appearance??? Or Pat Morita??? If there's a Halloween episode, expect Luke and his Cronies to wear Skeleton Costumes. Why - because this show is one big Karate Kid rip off. Well except Ryan's not that much of a pansy, but if Ralph Macchio realistically portrayed an Italian from Jersey, he wouldn't have been such a pansy either. Oh well, its a Cruel Summer.

4. Oh and is Ryan Sandy's only client? Because it seems that he spends all his time surfing when Ryan manages to "stay out of trouble" for more than 30 seconds.

Someone help me out here.

BASEBALL AND BEN

RECIPE FOR DISASTER:

1. Take Giambi out of line-up (we did pay $120 million for him, no?)
2. Bench I'll-Swing-At-Anything Soriano
3. Put "Bad Back Boomer" on Mound
4. Stir line-up forcefully
5. Wait until you're down to your last out in the 9th before you begin to play ball

FOR DISASTER RELIEF (SEE ABOVE AND ADD STEPS 6 and 7):
6. Remove from Pro-Player Stadium.
7. Chill

Now, normally, steps 1-5 would be a recipe for success, especially when you add a Jeter into the lead-off spot, but sadly not so much last night. Back to the Bronx we go - another seven game series it is! And at least I've gotten an even more prolonged view of Luis Castillo who will probably be in pinstripes next year.

In non-Yankee news, The Wonderful World of Disney is more wonderful than we all thought. On the brink of beginning production on Ben Affleck's new movie, they did the whole world a favor and pulled the plug!!! The NYPost also reports that Paramount is dropping Benny-boy from the Jack Ryan series. It seems that Hollywood is making some positive steps in getting their heads on straight. If someone could point me to a decent Affleck flick because I don't think one exists and I'm still trying to figure out why this guy is famous in the first place. Any thoughts?

We can find new ways of living make playing only logical harm


Saw these guys at Roseland last night and did they ever kick ass! Seriously, I liked the band beforehand, but now I'm over the top for these boys. My question is though doesn't Carlos look remarkably like Crispin Glover? In fact, does anyone know if Crispin is filming another creepy movie, because I'm not entirely convinced they're not the same person.

These guys opened up. I remember liking them at some point during my teenaged years. Now they just suck. If you have the chance to see them. Don't.

In some saddening news, I hate to report that Mr. Elliott Smith took his own life last night. 34 years old. We'll miss you Elliott, you were talented and brilliant. I was going to launch into a diatribe about strippers, lapdances and a metaphor about passing a bong (thanks to the good Senor), but now I'm just morose. And feeling the need to listen to a little figure 8.

RIP Elliott.

SOMETHING TO WRITE HOME ABOUT

So there's been something that's been bothering me for weeks. Everyday I use the bathroom on my office floor. Its not a high trafficked area, and although I work in a hospital, nothing clinical occurs on my floor and pedestrians don't make appearances. In one of the stalls, on the wall someone has graffitied the word "Sweet". This has been here since before I began my employment. Now, unusual about this graffiti is that it has been done with White-Out. Now, I wonder, and I ask anyone that might be reading this, is that not bizarre? I mean first of all, why "sweet"? Secondly, and possibly the more important question is White-out? Who carries white-out with them into the bathroom? And what kind of employee graffitis their bathroom? Unless this wasn't an employee at which point I wonder who carries white-out with them in their pocket or bag? And why the word "sweet", I mean its not a tag. Its not just pointless vulgarity. Is there some secret meaning behind this choice of word? The whole thing I find is quite strange, and while it gives me something to pontificate about, I still have no idea who or why? Let me know if you have any thoughts.

2 LETTERS FOR TODAY:

Dear NY Daily News, NY Post, Sports Reporters, Columnists and Cartoonists everywhere:

OK. I get it. The Marlins are fish. They can be reeled, hooked, fried, etc. "We've gone Fishing." You're all very clever and punny, oh and original. Extremely original. It's a good thing we're not playing the Florida Crabs, I could only imagine the witty headlines you'd come up with. Its just enough already, there's only so many drawings of Torre on the back of a boat holding a fishing rod that I'm willing to put up with. Unless of course its an Al Hirschfeld drawing, but he would have never stooped to this level, and he has passed on. So please people, I beg you, let it go. Its not funny, its not cute, its just annoying.

Sincerely,

Andrea "Cracking Nuts" Wolinetz

To: Mr. Allen H. "Bud" Selig, Commissioner, Major League Baseball

Kind sir, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health. I'm sorry to bother you during the World Series, I know you have some other things on your mind, but I was wondering if we could discuss, Round 1 of the Post-season ( I know how much you don't like them to be called play-offs). Now I know that the Wild Card race has brought with it some added excitement, and that the BoSox/Bombers series would have never happened without the wildcard, but 3 rounds is just too much baseball. I'm exhausted. I have bags under my eyes that could rival Al Pacino's. My social life is floundering, as is my ability to know what else is going on in the world. Since the beginning of the post-season I have devoted hours and hours of my life to what has been referred to as "America's Pastime." I have watched 34 baseball games since September 30th. Thanks to Tim McCarver and Joe Buck and the rest of the fabulous people at Fox Sports, I know things like Mike Lowell got a 1210 on his SAT's and Pudge Rodriguez likes Yanni. I don't even know what my girlfriend got on her SAT's. Do you see that there's a problem here? I ask you to look into your heart Mr. Selig and have some compassion. Change it back to the old format of just the pennant and the world series.

I have one little small request. This isn't so much for me as it is for all of the other millions of devoted baseball fans out there. Sometime soon, (maybe 2018?) you may want to consider a Cubs/Red Sox world series. Think of it. One team would have to emerge victorious, while the other continues to stew in its own personal misery. Who's curse would be broken? Who's would live on? It would be fabulous, gritty, and heartbreaking for so many at the same time. Plus, you'd have some ratings. Let me know, this way I can expect only so much from my Yankees that year.

Yours,

Andrea E. "Ang" Wolinetz

COWBOY UP is DOWN AND OUT, ITS TIME TO SWISH THE FISH

"In the 100-year history of Boston-New York American League competition, this was undoubtedly the single greatest collection of ball games. "

Thank you Bob Ryan, you speak the truth. The Red Sox put up a tremendous fight. There was some good baseball and some great managing. It was the difference of one swing of a bat, and was a nail biter of a game down to the end. Seriously, I have no nails left after biting them all off. On a side note, I once had the pleasure of serving Mariano Rivera a beer (an Amstel Light for those that care about such details). Mo, my man, you are simply fabulous! And Aaron, I apologize for all the times I said you were a mediocre batter who only looked good when hitting in a mediocre park.

And tell me, don't you think that Joe Torre's face needs to be carved into the side of a mountain? Not because of his tremendous managing abilities (the likes of which we definitely saw last night), but really just because of his features. He looks like God took the day off and let Al Hirschfeld mold him. Sometimes, when they show Torre and Zim and Stottlemyre on the Bench I swear I can see the word Nina underneath his left ear. Look for it, its there. Why would I make something like this up?

And remember when Tom Hanks scowled "There's no crying in baseball." Apparently, there's a lot of crying in baseball.

Another thing, what the hell has ESPN done to Linda Cohn? I turned on Sportscenter the other night and Linda was sporting some new hairdo and a tight shirt, it also looked like she was wearing way more make-up than she normally does. There's something troubling here, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

Oh wait, I'm not done yet. I need something explained to me. Or actually two things:

1. Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career decisions. How does one go from such movies like Boyz in the Hood and A Few Good Men, to such fine high quality auteur filmmaking like Snow Dogs, The Fighting Temptations and Radio????

2. Halle Berry and Matt Damon following in Cuba's Footsteps. See this and this for examples of "are-we-trying-to-toss-our-careers-down-the-drain-on-purpose?" headscratchers. I feel as though both are one step away from starring in a movie with The Rock, Seann William Scott, or *gasp* both. Lord, help us all.

Vaio Con Dios. Ah Salaam Aleichem. Godspeed. Watch Your Crossings.

I'll see you on Monday, Same Bat time, Same Bat Blog.

ROUND TWO, GAME 7 - Someone's Headed for a TKO

Dear Tom Menino and the rest of the City of Boston.

As you may or may not know, I spent the last two years of my youth idling the time in your fair little hamlet on the Atlantic seaboard. I've driven through the big dig. I've overpaid racketeering cab drivers at 2am because there's no public transportation running (I mean, if you think the night owl counts, you may want to see how other cities handle getting people to and from places efficiently). I tailgated at BC football games. I attended a Harvard/northeastern hockey game in the midst of the beanpot tournament. I have rollerbladed down the esplanade, laughed at the geeks from MIT, and scoured the entire city for a good coffee shop that isn't starbucks. (finally finding this one). I've watched people I don't know sit in long narrow boats while a man they call the coxswain shouts directions at the Head of the Charles. I've gotten lost dozens of times on your backasswards idea of how a city should be designed. I've seen your celtics and your bruins play at the fleet center (a sad, cold corporate version of what once was the fabled boston garden) I've made hundreds of left turns at the dunkin donuts. I have sat back and watched you elect a man named Mitt as your governor. I have spent many a night drinking in your pubs, and watching grown men beat the shit out of each other outside places with names like Jose McIntyre's and The Harp. And yes, I have even been to the hallowed halls known as Fenway Park, quite a few times. (I was even tossed from the Cask once, but that's another story for another day).

In all of my varied activities in Boston, I have been routinely followed by chants of "Yankees Suck!" You people shout this everytime more than two of you get together. Sometimes you even shout it if there's just one of you but you're holding two beers. Its like this security blanket you hold onto to make yourself feel better for living in place that can't even bother to put up street signs or keep their bars open past 2. (Don't even get me started on the absolute LACK of diners). It used to bother me, hearing this at places that seemed totally unrelated to anything baseball oriented. Plus, it just seemed kind of silly.

My father, having grown up a stone's throw from Yankee Stadium is a Yankee fan. My older brother is a Yankee Fan. I have learned everything I know about sports from them. Hence, I am a Yankee fan too. They're my hometown team. Yes, we may have "the best team that money can buy" (which by the way, thanks, buddy in the Shea Hillenbrand Jersey on the train this morning who grumbled that in the direction of the guy in the Yankees hat - its the first time I've heard anyone say that, you're so clever, did you come up with that all by yourself??), but I'm not sure I understand what's wrong with having an owner that actually cares about his team's W-L record, and doesn't mind coming out of pocket to pay for it. May I remind all of you geniuses to look at the Mets payroll and their record? It seems as though money, although part of the answer, does not make a championship team. But we root for our Yankees, year in and year out, and we expect a lot from them. This is generally a rough time of the year with us, what with being Rangers and Knicks fans, its always a cold, long winter, the Yankees give us hope that with the spring comes winners.

So, my dear friends up North. As we embark on our 26th game together this season, I want you to take a good hard look at the boys in your uniforms this year. I have. From flipping people off, to beaming people in the head, and other general buffoonery, these guys are totally upstanding. They're really the kind of team you want to get behind. I finally understand the "Yankees Suck" chant. You have grown up with years and years of heartache, you're a die hard redsox fan, but you just can't bring yourself to yell "Go Sox!" I wouldn't be able to. If these putzes wore pinstripes, I might start chanting "Nomar Swallows", because in all good consciousness, I couldn't root for them.

I must say though, whether Yankee or RedSox fans we be, there is something we all have in common. On Saturday, before all the shenanigans on the field began, Fox felt it necessary to put Ben and Jen on camera. United for one brief moment, the entire bar started booing and yelling. (As for you Ms. Jenny-from-the-block-I-swear-I'm-still-down-with-the boogie-downs where was your yankee garb???). If there is any chance for world peace it might be found in or universal hatred for the phenomenon known as Bennifer.

I wish you all up in Beantown luck this evening. May the best team win.

WRITE THROUGH THE FOG

Dear Three people that read this:

I apologize if this isn't funny. I'm sick. I have a terrible head cold, and that my friends just isn't funny. Funny is the fact that I had to come into work today.

Few things:

First of all something that I have been neglecting is that this chick got HOT. Its amazing what a summer will do. And kudos on the hair cut, unlike this one that practically ruined a show. You look mah-velous dahling! Now if we could only get Jared Padalecki to cut his hair. You can't be "Cute Dean" when you look like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man. And what's with having him drunkenly profess his love for Rory to Luke of all people and then have him get married anyway? That's just the meanest thing you Palladino's have done, since having them break up in the first place. Although I was thankful for the return of Michel, how I missed that lad, and a slightly extended scene featuring my favorite teenage female Korean drummer character.

In case you've never heard of Stars Hollow. Well you're missing out on some fabulously quirky characters and unrealistic but amazingly intelligent banter. Your Loss, but bygones. Something for you then....

I'm not one for curses. I generally scoff at those poor RedSox fans who still blame the sale of Babe Ruth for their years and years of failure. But through the nyquil haze last night, I watched as some pretty strange plays unfolded in the 8th inning of the Cubs/Marlins game to change a 0-3 game into an 8-3 game. I watched Cubs fans in Wrigley deflate. And I thought to myself, man with the goat, be damned! Remove the curse! It was painful. Or that could have been the pressure building in my sinuses. Either way, I'm with you boys in Chicago, and I have faith that Kerry Wood's gonna pitch his ass off.

As I was perusing Craig's List's activity partners section, as I tend to do when I get bored, I came across this. Now a couple of things, for those that are unfamiliar with this area of Craig's List, its main goal is for people to find someone to work out with, if you're looking to start a weekly bridge game, etc. But more often than not, you get some crazy ass postings, like this one. I mean, good for this guy, he's got a fantasy, and he's going for it. Yes, the fantasy belongs in Wall Street or some other 80's yuppie movie, but good for him for putting it out there. Although, being the trusting soul that I am, the first image I see is of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. I wonder if he'll find his woman. The sad thing about Craig's list postings, is that you never get the follow-up. Have a brilliant ending to this story? Feel like dropping me an e-mail with whether or not this guy gets what he wants. Seriously, tell me what you think. Oh one more thing, do we know who this Craig is?

I'm getting dizzy. This means I need to take some more dayquil and stop trying to be clever. Its not working anyway.

PEDRO, ZIM AND KARIM OH MY!

Boys, boys, boys. I sat down on Saturday afternoon to watch some good baseball at my neighborhood pub. What I got was a whole lot of trash. Pedro, you smarmy piece of garbage. Beam a player after getting lit up. Go Ahead, I understand the frustration, but don't go for his head. And seriously, is it necessary to then point to my man Jorge and threaten to hit him in the head next? How old are we? I know little leaguers who have more self control than you.

And yes, Zim, the 72 year old man that he is shouldn't have charged at you. Are we surprised by more men who get paid a whole lot of money to play ball and play with their balls are acting like children? I'm certainly not. But Pedro, you could have stepped out of the way, Don Zimmer is a big old guy, his inertia would have kept him moving forward and he would have fallen to the ground all on his own. You certainly didn't need to grab him by the head and throw him to the ground. I was expecting 2 ejections. I got none.

Manny, you're a pansy assed overpaid cry baby. Look, I make no claims about how much of a saint Roger Clemens is. In fact, I think the man's a goon and hope that my Yankees can win without him doing well, but the man threw a high fastball, had it been a little bit lower it would have been a strike. In other words, it was no where near you, and a poor excuse to charge the mound. I hope it was worth it.

And, Mr. Garcia, I feel your pain. No one likes to be thrown at. You got your revenge the way baseball players do. You slid hard into Todd walker. Although, Todd Walker is not much of a second baseman and really has a hard time turning double plays anyway, you got your point across. I'm not entirely sure why you felt the need to hop over the fence into the bullpen and beat the shit out of a Fenway Groundskeeper. Its a bullpen, not a playpen. Don't get me wrong, after 2 years of living in RedSox nation, I hate their fans as much as the next guy, but they have a right to wave a rally hankey and root for their team. They're even allowed to talk trash if they want to.

I would like to remind you all that its just a game. I know that you get paid a whole lot to play it, but baseball even at the major league level is still just a game. I suggest in Game 4 you try playing it instead of acting like infants. I respect the rivalry, I know that some serious pride is on the line. So play for it, instead of this machismo garbage. Leave the buffonery to the drunkass fans everywhere. Lord knows there are enough asshole Yankee and Red Sox fans everywhere to pick up the baton and beat the shit out of each other.

SO LET"S TALK CONCERT

I hate to do it. I know that you love the band you are going to see. But "don't be that guy." Don't wear the shirt of the band you are going to see. I offhandedly made this comment last night, and I was rebuked for the fact that every time I go to a sporting event, I wear a jersey. Nice try, but there is a difference. If for example, these guys were in a battle of the bands with these guys, then be my guest wear this shirt. BUT we're all rooting for the same band here, we know that you like the band, otherwise you wouldn't have paid your $45 and you extra $9.50 in surcharges. you would have stayed home. although, to the guy who was walking out of the garden in front of me in a shirt proudly displaying this guy. i have one word for you, "whatthehellareyoudoingataradioheadshow?"

oh and to the guy we think is a go-go dancer who was in the row in front of us last night. I must say, I am amazed at your total lack of self-consciousness. Most people would be embarrassed about spending 2/3 of the show on their cell phone, but you, you had no problem with it. In fact, you stood up the entire time to prove just how unaware of the people around you you were. I'm also glad you took so many pictures with your digital camera so you could maybe remember a show you paid no attention to while it happened. there was a minor debate going on as to whether you were giving advice to joe torre or to phil selway. although selway's an unbelievable drummer and torre certainly knows how to manage them yanks. stay off your phones people. please.

thanks to the boys for putting on a solid show. i could have used a little more of the old stuff, but the new stuff sounded friggin great and i totally appreciated "my iron lung", your choice of "2+2=5" as an opener, the cheekiness of "you and whose army," thom's incredible solo performance of "true love waits" and the all around fabulousness that is "karma police" live. but i would have really liked to hear exit music. i love that friggin song. guess, i'll just have to go see them again.

TWICE IN ONE DAY

so we're at t-5 1/2 hours until them radiohead boys hit the stage and i've been a rollercoaster of emotions. found out that supergrass will in fact not be opening up this evening due to a "band emergency". that made me sad. did some research and found out that these kickass indie rockers are opening instead. that made me happy.

also, for humor value read here.

thats all i have to say.

CHEAP SEX AND SAD FILMS HELP ME GET WHERE I BELONG

and where I belong is seeing god tonight. Lucky for me that's exactly what I'll be doing. And as an added bonus I get to see these guys. Kudos to the man for picking fabulous people to share the stage with.

Just one more thing for today. Having gone to a SUNY, I know that it is a given that I'm going to run into people that I went to college with on a daily basis. But I want to throw this out there. Can we stop the madness?? If you walk by me on the street, happen to be in the same subway car, next to me on the bus, etc. And I haven't seen you in five years, I promise I won't find you rude if you choose to not participate in having small talk for five minutes before we go on our separate ways again. Chances are the conversation will go something like this:

"Hey, I can't believe how long its been! You look great!"
"So do you. Its been like 4 years right, so whets new?"
"Nothing, you know, same old shit different year. You're in law school right?"
"Yeah, it sucks. What are you doing now?"
"I work for NYU, its alright. But actually I have to run, I'm meeting a friend of mine for drinks and I'm late."
"Yeah, we should do drinks or something, let me get your number"
(exchange of the cell phone numbers)
"Well it was really good to see you."
"You Too."

Now I have a number I'm never going to call. You know you're not going to call me. Seriously, I'm not going to be offended. Just keep walking. These conversations are never informative, I don't really care what you're doing. You don't give a bleep as to what I'm doing. Small talk and pleasantries, for what? Help me understand this people. Why are these conversations necessary?

if I wanted to keep in touch with you, I would have. If I wanted to get back in touch with you, I would have friendstered or even *gasp* called a mutual friend. Just let it go people. Let it go. Now this doesn't mean that I don't like you. On the contrary, I like you enough that I feel like we should be honest enough with each other to not have these bullshit conversations. I would even love it if you were like, "Hey Andrea! Good to see you, but I know that there's no worthwhile information I can glean from you in 60 seconds of conversation, so I'm not going to bother. I just wanted to acknowledge that once upon a time we knew each other. Continued good luck in your future endeavors."

Small talk sucks, people. Anyone with me on this??

TOTAL RECALL

Dear California,

I just want to point out that this was a movie with Ah-nold, Sharon Stone and the chick with three breasts. It was an action-adventure flick and they ran around blowing shit up on Mars. This is not the way government runs. I mean I know that Grey Davis has the personality of a wet rag - his wife said it best, "My husband has never been accused of anything except being dull." and that maybe he wasn't the best governor, but really, what the hell does Conan the Barbarian know about public policy and how to run a state? Joe Kennedy would be proud, even though his sons are probably turning over in their graves. You could have at least elected Larry Flynt, who advocates men inappropriately groping themselves while ogling photographs of women, instead of inappropriately groping said women.

In another case of people confusing movies with real life. Remember the horrible movie Demolition Man with Sly Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Sandra Bullock and a pre-Julia Roberts Benjamin Bratt? In it they make mention of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. It was a joke people, a joke.

As for you Mr. Sammy Sosa. Your 9th inning heroics last night were incredible. That was possibly the biggest home run you have ever hit. Show some emotion would you??? I feel that your non-emotive response to smacking that ball out of the park (literally) was the reason you guys wound up losing the game. Mike Lowell's home run non-withstanding. As the Yankees are about to embark on their own championship series against the BoSox all I have to say is kick some Theo Epstein Ass. That smug little boy deserves it.

On a side note. I would like to thank Amy for a couple of things:
1. Your informational piece on "looking a gift horse in the mouth." I too was mistaken about what this phrase meant and thought it had something to do with being bitten or even Trojan horse related. I'll now store this information in my cranium right in between "throwing my hat in the ring" (a bullfighting reference) and "rule of thumb" (a redneck legal guideline for appropriate width of a switch you can use to beat your wife with - I kid you not).

2. Also, for educating those handsome lads known as your twin brothers on quality music. While Huey Lewis and the News are entertaining - I mean Sports is a fun album, they are not groundbreaking or generally kickass in the way that REM is. To this we all owe you a great amount of gratitude.

LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS OH MY

First of all, best wishes for a speedy recovery to Roy Horn of Siegfried and Roy, mauled by a tiger on his 59th birthday. Read the updates on his condition here. I've always loved the story of Siegfried and Roy. Its a tale that teaches us that there's someone out there for everyone. Two Gay men meet on a cruise, find that they both love working with tigers and make a life together. Feel Better Roy.

Lets talk Baseball for a second. Both the Cubbies and the Red Sox make it in to their respective championship series. I suspect that within the next few weeks the four horsemen of the apocalypse will be riding down Broadway. Go Cubbies. Can't say I feel the same about the Red Sox. Although a Cubs/Red Sox World Series could be a nice thing to give fans after the ridiculous striking you overpaid players have done and threatened to do in the past 10 years. But in my heart of hearts, its gotta be Yankee time... So lets go Bombers, do what you do best, destroy the hopes of a city that only knows agony. If nothing else, do it because that's what "evil empires" do.

And I must say thank you to Michael Stipe. You and the rest of the REM boys put on a kickass show at the garden on Saturday night. World Leader Pretend, Gardening at Night, Fall on Me... See the rest of the setlist... Although, Mike, one question, why Sparklehorse as an opener? Every other damned date on this tour had Pete Yorn. I could have used a little music for the morning after. But noooo, we had to have these putzes. Not nice. Oh and what was up with the blue shit on your eyes? I know you're a little bit of a freak, and its why I love you, but it was like a bono or Scott Weiland thing to do. Not that I'm complaining, I got to watch you play the guitar and cover Interpol's NYC. Who knew you played the guitar? Not me. Nor did Randy, who's the biggest REM fan I know. Hip Hip! It was brilliant!

Some new things to report. First of all, it being Thursday and my slowest day of the week, I am perturbed by the people at Turner Broadcasting. My Brother who works for this conglomerate corporation has no access to his internet and instant messenger today. For those that know nothing about Turner, they're owned by AOL. If they can't get their shit together to have their networks up and running, we're all in a lot of trouble. Me especially, because now I have to make it through my day alone. How sad. Very sad indeed.

And I hate to do it again, but I need to rant a little about rush hour subway etiquette. Or subway etiquette in general. I feel that these are some common courtesy rules. I always thought common in that phrase referred to universal and accessible. Apparently I was wrong about the universal part.

Rule 1:Wait until people get off before you get on. This works out in everyone's favor. You see, there will actually be room for you on the train if people can depart at the stop they are supposed to, and its hard enough to push your way out without you frigging morons pushing your way in. These are simple rules of physics people, I have to use more force against something applying force on me. So get out the way.

Rule 2: When waiting for your train's doors to open and you see people waiting to the direct left and right to the doors, they are doing so to put rule 1 in effect. You my friend in the navy pinstripe suit are not so important that you can walk over and stand directly in front of the door, not only blocking exit access for people spilling out of the car, but also punishing those that know these rules by having them get on the train after you.

Rule 3: Once on the train, turn the headphones down Cappy. I don't want to hear your music. I especially don't want to hear your music over the music playing in my headphones. They call them personal cd/mp3 players for a reason. If I wanted to listen to whatever music you've selected for your commute, I'd come see you spin at whatever hip underground club you dj for.

Rule 4: Thank you very much for apologizing for stepping on my foot, falling into my lap, elbowing me in the abdomen, or whatever other bruise you've left on my body after mauling me because you think you have better balance than the rest of us and are to cool to hold on to a railing. Hold on buddy, I don't like getting hurt and you don't like looking stupid. They call commuters straphangers for a reason. The subway may not have straps anymore, but those big metal poles everywhere serve the same purpose. Go ahead, give 'em a whirl. I dare you.

And just to prove that I can do more than complain... Thanks to muppet and that guy I keep referring to as my brother, I had the pleasure of seeing a kickass performance by Amy and Emily last night. It might have been a little chilly, but they were as dynamic as always. Cheers girls, thanks again for making my evening, I never leave a show disappointed. Y'all Rawk.